Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it soShakespeare Don’t Feel! When you are turning tricks the main objective is not to feel anything, to not be there at all, mentally. Sometimes I could do this but not always. There were times when I needed to be present to pay attention to someone…
— Read on expertescort2018.com/2020/08/04/sex-workers-are-not-sex-fiends-just-the-opposite
The United States 🇺🇸 has a long history of experimenting on blacks and inmates. Come to think of it, I believe it was the CIA who slipped LSD to unsuspecting American scientists working on national defense to see if it revved up their creativity. It is said that one of them lost his mind and went out of a window. Don’t believe me? Google it, with an emphasis on the words Tuskegee, Alcatraz, CIA, LSD. I believe this president would not discourage using “undesirables” for experimental purposes
And yet, there is another long unfortunate history: the exclusion of minorities and women from clinical trials and case studies. I have read that scientists did not like using women for studies of female directed medications studies because of the difficulty of factoring the impact, if any, of the menstrual cycle! Remember the famous psych study on the authority and compliance/rebellion in which people were ordered to give an unseen person an increasing dose of electricity even though they heard the person begging for mercy, and then they heard nothing at all. Well, when participants were told the voices were pre-recorded, the people listening to the revelation were all white males.
We need scientific info about this vaccine💉, people who look like me. But I would be afraid the experimenter 🔬🚿would take one look at me and give me who knows what 💊.I know I am paranoid but I know too much about our history of involuntarysterilization ➖Oh, that’s right! I forgot to add the topic of eugenics to my list of reasons I would hesitate to submit to government experiments. I have trust issues.
Here is a link that can get your study started. Nazi scientists traded their knowledge for a pass from the United States. Not only did they live here, unpunished, one of them was instrumental in the moon landing. Each of the examples of unethical clinical trials and experiments represents a wealth of documentation. Pick a name and you’ll find many books.
To be blunt, if so called “marginalized ” people (rejects, misfits, criminals) can contribute to science, even if it hurts the people, maybe they should be glad to finally be of service to society. In my youth I would have thought so, never imagining I would make the list due to my past!
When you are turning tricks the main objective is not to feel anything, to not be there at all, mentally. Sometimes I could do this but not always. There were times when I needed to be present to pay attention to someone who was trying to sneakily pin my wrists, for example. I learned how to hold my hips in such a way that the guy couldn’t really hurt me if he tried. This kind of hard won wisdom only comes with experience. Experience only comes from the necessity of addiction. But I did not want to analyze because nothing puts a damper on disassociation like self analysis. Instead of evaluating why I was at risk for being hurt and how to avoid this outcome altogether I came up with a plan.
Do You Know Ambesol?
Ambesol is the topical anesthetic you put on your gums to numb tooth pain. It does nothing to solve the problem but for a short period of time you don’t feel any pain. It is like novocaine, but you apply it instead of having it injected. Plus you can buy it over the counter. What if I applied ambesol to my body? Then I wouldn’t feel anything! What a brilliant idea! I berated myself for not coming up with the stroke of genius earlier.
I failed to consider the solution from all angles. Addiction heightens a person’s self-centeredness, almost making a person child like. Naturally I only thought of my own perspective. It did not occur to me that if I was numb then anyone who touched the ambesol on me would be numb also. Moreover, I didn’t remember the obvious medicinal, kind of menthol, smell of the product.
I had a date, the person who had inspired my ambesol idea. One of those guys who dated all of the women downtown and thrived on gossip from each of us. He was also one of the people who insisted that I talk and share my political views because he found my intelligence ironic and amusing. Since I was young, in my 20’s, I did not know how to set boundaries. I thought if I had said “yes” in general, then that permission applied to whatever he wanted. I would wise up and become the self-assertive, “difficult” person I am today, but back then, all I had was ambesol.
During the date, the guy backed off and said, “I can’t do this. Something is wrong.” He was completely puzzled about his inability to perform and would never have suspected what I had done.
I feigned ignorance. “Everything seems the same to me.”
“Do you smell that? It’s like some kind of mouthwash.”
“No, I can’t say that I do,” I said, sniffing for exaggerated effect.
“Did you put on some kind of perfume or lotion?” he asked, closing in on the problem but never being able to pinpoint it exactly.
I denied, denied, denied. He insisted on taking me back. I returned his money in a huff. Totally insulted. Actually I was mad that I had to start from scratch and was returning back downtown from his place still without money. The anger was real, the reason was fake.
It did not take me very long to see the whole situation as funny. I told the story to peers who could appreciate that kind of off color humor. Believe me, not everyone gets it, or wants to. I did not consider trying to reestablish myself as a person who could not relate. In a way it was kind of nice to have something in common with other people. I guess a lifetime of rejection can really skew a person’s notions of acceptance.
According to the work of a scholar who studied loss there are five stages of grief that take us from immobilized devastation to, ultimately acceptance. The theory focuses on our internal states, like denial, or bargaining. I propose adding a modern action to the grief process: Compulsive Internet Searching
Yes, Internet Searching➡️Grief Process
After I found my friend (I don’t know what to call the relationship) dead in my kitchen, I developed a habit. I searched for his name online. I tried different search engines, no middle name, with an address, without an address, phone number, email addresses. I looked for every scrap of info I could find. I even joined one of those background checking sites for $25. I learned some new things, minor stuff like in the past he might have wanted to act. But eventually there was nothing new to add to his bio so I was simply reading, re-reading the same facts. Weeks, months of this until I gradually stopped. I never mentioned it.
Recently I picked up a book. One of the characters had not spoken to her sister in 18 years and she did the same compulsive internet searching, including the review of unchanging information. I thought, “I bet this is a thing.”
I’ve Been Asked To Give Wisdom
The irony of anyone looking to me for insight is obvious, although I have been through some things that could provide info. Therefore, from the depth of my experience with my own grief, a fiction novel, and a powerful hunch, I say if you find yourself stuck on OCD internet searches, that’s part of the process. The habit will naturally taper off. I speculate that we need to exert some kind of control when we are most powerless and the searching allows us to do something. It is ok to go through your process.
What Helped Me
about obsession? Let the phone keep track of your screen time. How much of your day are you searching for his name in the year 2002, when he lived in Kansas? Are you searching for her name and her rabbit’s name to see if there are Facebook posts you haven’t seen? I have been there: “Caroleena, ,Sniffie, 🐇Topeka.” I might have searched these terms a whole lot. I understand if you’re doing something similar. Gone overboard? Seek counseling and give details about your specific practices to get informed advice.
Snitches are typically portrayed as seeking opportunities to betray unsuspecting fellow criminals to police who don’t respect them but will use them for the greater good. In truth, from what I have been told, police recruit people to act as snitches and send them on assignments. I was told by two different people that after they were arrested an officer said, “I thought we would be hearing from you.” No one wants to look like a snitch so both people told the story as if they blew off the cop who approached, but I know better. People do what they have to do to stay free or get free. One clue someone is a snitch is an inexplicable release from custody. I knew someone who told me an associate had been arrested at 2 a.m. on a Sunday. I called cellblock and he was there are 3 a.m. I called cell block at 6 a.m. and there was no record of that person in the system. I later asked him what happened. He said they took him into a cell in the dungeon-like holding area and asked him for names. According to him they were surprised that they did not know him since he was “so big” as a dealer and he knew so many people. He said they mentioned people to him, he did not volunteer names. If they said a name he knew he confirmed he knew that person since they obviously already had the information. Despite minimizing his role, I think he was very involved in telling on people he pretended to befriend. Or, he was lying to the police about what he was doing. Either way, he was not someone who could be trusted because he was perfectly willing to lie when it suited him. And like most liars I have met, he never called his lies, lies. They were just things he had to say. What disturbed me was one of the people he confirmed for the officers would commit suicide by cop, meaning he pointed a gun, unloaded I heard, at officers, knowing they had to shoot. The informant claimed he kept the guy in the loop about what the police were asking. Even if this was true, could the guy have felt hopeless knowing the police were actively pursuing him and his fate was in the hands of that iffy person. Who knows. What I do know is police are often catalysts and not criminals.
Sure, I had a breast augmentation. It turned out great and years later I am still delighted with results. That procedure was totally optional. But plastic surgeons and, for me, the dentist, fix problems some might call cosmetic but the problems significantly impact life. I-received treatment facial dark marks that have been the bane of my existence. Also, the front tooth that was broken in an accident ten years ago was permanently repaired and capped. A root canal, a porcelain cap! My beloved dentist earned the Thousands of dollars that I had in a lump sum thanks to the stimulus.
You do know that any infection from the neck up can be fatal? I could not afford the expensive procedures. I got dental parch jobs that sloppily kind of tided me over until things changed. Things changed. The money came in and I asked myself, what is most important? Health! I applied the funds accordingly. I am so grateful.
Here in Hawaii we used to have something like 30,000 people flying in and out daily. Now flights transport under 1000 people. The difference is visible because the attractions are empty. Our OVID-19 case numbers and percentage of positive results have both increased. For the first time we had two days of triple digit new cases. The pot engage of people who test positive is up fro around 1% to about 5-6%. Significant, absolutely. If the trend continues we will end up like other places: we will actually see and experience illness in our lives. For the most part we have not. It is still difficult to find anyone who knows anyone who has tested positive.
At this point in time, during the first stimulus, many of us lost our jobs but were given much more than we were making. No one is sick. The wisest among us used our windfall for our betterment. We have gotten dental work, plastic surgery, and saved/invested. We are not broke. Others went to the game rooms and you know how gambling ends. Visible disease happened elsewhere while we had the protection of geographical quarantine.
I am worried about what could happen. The feds are not sending the money any more. Covid-19 Cases are rising in number. Tourism, our economy, is still closed. I knew these days would come though I still hope we can escape the ravages of society wide disease. I will not be able to afford the tummy tuck, I hope that is the worst of my problems for the rest of 2020.
No one is shocked that the demand for illicit “sex-ish” encounters continues in spite of pandemic. The part of the story that is easy to overlook was a patron’s insistence he patronized the strip club/eatery for the food, particularly the chicken wings. The man could accurately say I visit a legal establishment” but IMHO, the transparent excuse was meant to convey the notion that he was doing something forbidden,, something wrong. No–something naughty.. Many men don’t want permission. They want to feel naughty.
Are you anything like me? You meet someone. You like the someone. But before things go any further you have to know. As casually as you can, you ask “So, what do you think of Trump?” You hold your breath, knowing that if the person gives the wrong answer the two of you are fundamentally incompatible. The relationship will, for all intents and purposes end. Can you relate?
I would think, from my woman’s point of view, that if someone was not thrilled about having sex with me, that I wouldn’t want to do it. The very definition of “damning with faint praise” would be a weak “I guess so.” But guys don’t seem to mind if she is not thrilled at the prospect. Is that not off putting to a guy? I guess not. Is it good enough for him that he gets what he wants?