Rejection by a Trick Should Not Hurt. But online Reviews Devestate

I have worried that if I am honest about my pain in my posts that people would think I was just feeling sorry for myself and dismiss my writing as the same rehashed sob story.

I need originality because I want this site to be something special. I don’t have anyone my life. To take the honesty up another painful notch I am going to admit that people don’t bond to me. I don’t know if i was damaged in early childhood foster care and developed, or shall I say “mis-developed,” maladaptive social skills. Or maybe i was born already damaged and that’s why long term foster parents told the judge no thank you when offered the chance to adopt me. Either way I came out of that experience unable to sustain relationships. My birth family didn’t look for me, nor were they interested in meeting me. There were no childhood friends or college buddies,and I didn’t even know exactly what i do or don’t do, I only know that people drift away. They might dislike me, but they never feel an emotion as strong as hatred toward me.

Into that lonely existence came drugs, which necessitated a constant source if quick cash. I was 23, young and beautiful enough to skate in my looks without worrying about my off putting nature.

In fact, the indifference people felt was an asset. My inability to stir strong feelings made me feel safe in a high risk occupation like meeting up with strangers, often for sex, but not always. What always happens is that I was alone with unknown men, totally at their mercy. And unbelievably, in spite of everything I had been taught to expect , I never had a trick hurt me. I’ve never been hit, sexually assaulted, stalked. Because i don’t matter enough. After years of work in the same place I have had only a handful of regulars. I was never a kept woman but depended on the kindness of a succession of strangers. I was always ashamed that I couldn’t cut it as a sugar baby, and this is easily the most embarrassing truth I’ve shared with you my dear readers. I owe imthe truth to you because you are the only people who seek me out on a regular basis. I’m honored.

I once had a friend who had been a medic in Vietnam he was a black man and I think he cared about me before he died. He used to scold me and say quotation marks you always be falling in love with the tricks! Quotation marks. That’s not what you’re supposed to do I wouldn’t see it that I fell in love all the time but I did care what they thought. I recall one heartbreak I thought we had had a good time. We actually had a good conversation, and I looked forward to seeing the person again then I read the online review he posted. Not good: he didn’t like my place he said it was a mess, which it was at the time he had assured me that it was all right, that he didn’t mind but of course he did. he mentioned that we had a great conversation but I was good company, I looked good but that he would not repeat. And those small limp phrases seared my heart I have the most superficial connections? Did God make me do flawed that spreading my legs isn’t enough to bring people back. my friend who died had once laughed at me and said it was convenient for me to make my problems a cosmic conspiracy because then I did not have to take responsibility. before he died he had been helping me to see where I went wrong socially, all the little things that I was not aware of until he mentioned them to me. No one understood that even though I have this great vocabulary I have no idea how to proceed socially and have no idea why I go so very wrong I only know but nothing has changed. And I live in fear that I will grow too old to be able to pander my physical where’s because then we’ll I have I hope I will have my writing because if not… no I dare not contemplate


Published by X-Streetwalker Turned Sex Talker

Caroleena used to be a drug addicted hooker on streets of downtown Honolulu in the early years of the 21st century. She was not the only learned streetwalker among the sex worker addicts. This group would have been a liberal college admissions officer's dream of diversity seeing as how they represented such a wide range of ages, races, family types, locations of origin, education levels, and gender identities. The two constants were trauma and dependency. Everyone out there had experienced life altering trauma which spurred them to seek refuge in drugs. Addiction was the unexpected phenomenon that kept them stuck in the dope. This downtown area was different from other drug saturated areas of America in one important way. The U.S. is the most violent country in the world, but in this corner of the nation there were no street gangs, no gun violence. You wouldn't get shot but you were probably going to be beaten up and robbed at some point. Interpersonal violence between intimate partners, friends, and family members was viewed as a natural part of being close to people. "Domestics" was something an individual brought upon herself or himself by causing problems in an interpersonal relationship. Caroleena, the perennial pariah even among society's rejects, had no intimate associates who might harm her. Prostitution was not as risky on Oahu as it was most everywhere else because the island was just too small. Everyone was somehow connected to everyone else with only something like two degrees of separation. You commit a crime, someone will know who you are and someone else will know how to find you. Hookers rarely got killed. Honolulu's relative safety allowed Caroleena over 10 years of street longevity until the scene ended when authorities started arresting men for allegedly soliciting undercover police for sex and posting their pictures on the evening news. tells Caroleena's adventures during her decade of addiction and its consequences--homelessness, prostitution, drug dealing, incarceration, family destruction, the list goes on. Every story relates events Caroleena experienced, witnessed, or imagined. The tale of this outcast is skillfully and paradoxically told in the language of the elite. The wording of the posts is itself a testimony to the wide grip that addiction has on all levels of society, even impacting the privileged who were previously thought to be immune to the troubles of the lower class. During these days of opiate addiction maybe she can answer some questions and present applicable solutions. If not, you are still in for a hell of a good read.

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