Let me tell you about smoking crack
As you probably could have guessed I never would have done it if I had known that I was actually smoking crack. I wouldn’t have wanted to embrace the stigma, even secretly The people who introduced me to drugs told me I was freebasing cocaine. I asked them what was the difference between this and smoking crack and they said a longer pipe. so I figured that’s okay because I wouldn’t want to do the highly maligned crack. Of course that’s what I was doing. And I remember when I first got addicted. It was Christmas break and school was not in session. I was so sick of being alone again on a holiday. No family. Just getting the pity invite from someone who takes in strays on the holiday. So I met this girl in a bar and I kind of liked her and she was smoking something from a glass tube and I figured what the hell who cares anyway I might as well try that drug. and sometime during the first week I got the hang of it. I figured out just how to pull in the flame very gently so that I could hit the rock that was at the top of the tube with the flame of the lighter. The rock was held in place by a piece of screen, made out of dry brillo, not the kind that has soap in it. Then you could watch the smoke head down the pipe toward your face and it was the best feeling in the world. I do remember thinking this, this right here, is how I want to feel all the time. And I believe that’s when I got addicted. Of course I didn’t think so at the time but from then on in the back of my mind and then shortly after in the front of my mind meaning all of the time, that’s all I could think about. And there’s no hit like the first hit of the day because once the endorphins are released in a flood you can’t get that back again unless you give it a rest. But you don’t want to give it a rest because you want that feeling again and again and again. So it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to do more of it. It’s like eating food that makes you hungrier with every bite. A marketer’s dream. And a money spender’s nightmare. smoking crack was the beginning of lying to myself. I never intended to spend all of my money. No one ever does. Everyone does it. It is always,this is going to be the last one. Or I’ll save these three for later. But the truth of the matter is, and you don’t see it at the time, and you totally believe yourself, the truth of the matter is you were going to do all the drug and then you were going to spend all of the money that you have. And you’re going to keep going until you spend down to nothing. And then he will somehow get more money and then you will spend all of that and smoke all the drug. Then repeat. all the while telling yourself this time it’s going to be different and it’s never any different. but you don’t see it. All along you are constantly comparing yourself to other people and noticing how you are not as bad as other people are or you don’t do as much as other people do or you are more responsible or less desperate or whatever. But the thing that keeps addiction alive is your condemnation of other people. So for all of the people who say you willingly, knowingly, choose to do what you do to yourself, I would answer no we don’t choose because we never believe we’re going to do that to ourselves. Not this time because this time it’s going to be different. Let us not forget what addiction analysts who never got high always leave out–how very good the drug is or how very good we believe it can be again. Just one more time.
Lesson–Starting drugs was a form of giving up on hope. The u expected obsession was useful for taking my mind off of my surrender.