FANTASIES STAY IMAGINARY 2/9/18
I was proud to be an open minded provider who applied the intimate lessons to personal life. I had learned that men constantly thought of sex and wanted to have sex with just about anyone. I wanted to match my mindset to what I had learned about the sexual appetite of men. “Think expansively,” I told myself when I wanted to introduce a new sexual scenario with a “regular,” (someone I saw frequently). I decided the best way to successfully keep business by introducing an element of surprise would be to turn fantasies into reality. I also wanted the person I was unlucky to have fallen in love with interested. I really wanted him to be as obsessed as I was but that was unrealistic. Tricks and my trick-turned-love-interest wanted to involve other people. I went along. In addition to appearing creative I would have a chance to show how cool I was about involving other people. In truth, the idea of other people in the bedroom made me uncomfortable But I was unable to resist my feelings for this one time client, and I very much wanted him to see me as a cut above others. I mentally reviewed the fantasies he had shared with me and chose one that I felt most comfortable with. Yes, I had just the thing! My client/friend, the person I was “hanging out” with, always had a lot of suggestions for me about how I could improve my technique when I gave him very personal attention. He had wondered aloud if I was more skilled than a gay man who had much more practice than me and who had the added advantage of knowing from personal experience what felt good. I had responded that we should do a blind taste test, as shown on soft drink commercials I saw as a child. People on the street were given small cups of I identified soda and asked to choose the better drink–Pepsi versus Coke. Wouldn’t it be fun to blindfold New York friend and hav him experience my attention and the guy’s attention and choose whom he preferred. If it was done well it would be obvious which of us was more skilled.
I felt quite self-congratulatory as I made the arrangements. I could hardly wait for the appointed time but finally I revealed that a person was on his way over and the taste test plan was in motion.
“He’s coming here? Now?” My friend looked appalled.
“I thought that was what you wanted! You said that would be the best?” My feelings were hurt in spite of telling myself everything was all in good casual fun.
“Those are just fantasies. Fantasies are only good if you make like you are going to do them.”
“That’s why I invited the guy! So we could do it. I thought you pretty much gave me permission.”
“Common sense should’ve told you I didn’t mean really for real.”
I had been foiled again by the elusive thing called common sense that told everyone but me how to proceed. As I called the guy you cancel I reflected upon the irony of failed communication when both conversationalists are open, honest and interested. The moral of the story–for some, fantasizing is like window shopping. For others fantasizing is an actual roadmap with a real destination. Always best to know which camp you and your partner(s) fall into. I never window shop unless I can buy. But that’s me. I was willing, but those fantasies remained imaginary.
FANTASIES STAY IMAGINARY 2/9/18