You can mske talking to the beloved addict in your life worthwhile instead of a pure source of pain. She won’t listen to reason, she doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. What you need to know is that she does hear you and she does care about your feelings. She will remember that you love her even when she’s caught in a mental obsession that won’t leave her in peace.
1. Determine acceptable Conversation Topics
Let her know the conditions you will accept for her to contact you. For example, she can’t call for money but she can call to let you know she’s ok.
No matter what, do not deviate from your terms. NO. MATTER. WHAT. If she knows you’ll cave with enough pestering she will indeed pester you relentlessly, and she really won’t hear your kind words as she puts her all into manipulating you. Btw, don’t give her money for food or buy her groceries. Even these can be bartered. You can eat with her to make sure she eats but she can’t walk away with anything intact and trade-able.
2. Be Honest About your feelings of shame but love her enough not to shun her
Always reassure her that although it’s impossible not to feel shame in a society that shames addicts and their families, you will rise above that fear and you will never reject her. Reassure her you will be seen with her in public, although she may avoid you so as not to be a source of shame for you because seeing you suffer just compounds how bad she feels. Seeing you suffer does not quiet the relentless obsession that simply won’t stop.
3. Don’t ask why. She doesn’t know why. No one knows why, not even the best scientists.
Don’t ask why she doesn’t quit if she feels so bad for you. You already know disaster is no deterrent. Look what she’s done to herself. Asking why is a waste of time and will lead to tears, yelling, and the hopeless repitition of of the same words that have been said to no avail.
4. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.
If it will upset you to know how she gets her money, don’t ask. In fact, if she doesn’t volunteer specifics about her life, don’t ask. She will probably lie to you if she’s not proud of herself, and she wont be proud of herself. If you decide you can handle the truth without scolding her, then listen without offering an opinion. Stay away from adjectives. She’s doing what she needs to do to get drugs. She does not think she’s on the path to success. She is not confused. Therefore her behavior won’t respond to logic.
5. Remember, she really does hear you.
What you most need to remember about talking to the addict you love is the love she has for you is still inside of her. The words you say go to the heart that’s buried under the addiction. She hears you, although she seems not to. She hears you and what you ssy matters to her in spite of all evidence to the contrary. She remembers your conversations. And when she needs to use the memories of your words spoken in love, she will unlock that part of herself where her love for you lives and flourishes. It may be a long time from now, maybe years, and maybe you’ll never have the chance to see the impact, but have faith that you are making an unseen difference.