People Don’t Want to Help
Not really. But people want to be viewed as helpful, without the awkwardness of dealing with someone who is really hurting. We are uncomfortable with emotional outbursts in American culture, and when intense emotions are associated with death, why, we Americans want to head for the hills. How many times have you heard someone say “It is the first time I saw [insert name] cry?” When this is said no one is remarking on the newfound openness and sense of intimacy they felt over a shared loss. They are always relaying their horror and deep discomfort that someone they counted on not to show raw emotion was doing precisely that. Ever noticed?
Mourning and Grief
That’s one of the mourning associated phrases I am pondering, the first time I saw so-and-so cry, along with the infamous “if there is anything I can do for you, let me know.” I hate that. People know good and well that no one is going to slide out on that limb and ask for help on top of suffering through grief. It is especially obvious that the person does not want to help because they never offered “anything” before, and they simply could have shown up with “anything” in tow, rather than make a grieving person do all the work of seeking comfort.
If You Are Going To Be Fake Nice, At Least Don’t Be Obvious
Don’t I sound like I am speaking from embittering experience? I am not. I am speaking out of jealousy, and this is why: I was never offered the “anything” that I complain about. I have seen people who received consolation. They seemed so much better off than me. I used to hate them unabashedly. Now I tell myself everyone has their own path and mine is different. Do you think it worked? I’ve had many chances to work on my self-soothing. It is almost the third anniversary of my friend’s death and no one acknowledged me as important in his life. They followed his public lead. Mine too. Our relationship was behind closed doors. Neither of us had any other friends besides each other. When he was speaking to me and not affirming his homosexuality by shutting me out, we had so much fun, and lots of sexual adventures which I will share in a sanitized way, later. Behind closed doors is where I felt all my joy, and that’s the obstacle between me and the rest of the world. A closed door.
What Sports Team Would Your Eulogy Mention? My friend was such a fan of the Patriots that they were mentioned in his obituary and eulogy, from what I read online. I was not invited to participate with the family, not the way I met Ken, and not after he said I wasn’t his girl friend but a girl who was a friend. I found him dead in my kitchen the Sunday after the Patriots made the Superbowl the day before. You remember the one they were down by a lot at half time and came back to win at the end? My friend never got to see that game but I did. Ironic.
But on the bright side, I did know happiness. I can even prove it. I will give you a one minute and 14 second YouTube Link that shows us having fun. I was happy once. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I don’t have any family, never did, and although I haven’t experienced a loss in this area because there was no one to lose, it doesn’t feel good. Pain is pain. I don’t mind showing you the video because as I told you before no one I know reads my blog or encourages me so I need not worry about revealing my identity. Only strangers will see the video.
I’d like your opinion on something. My friend, who I loved, had a mean streak. Someone said his verbal abusiveness was obvious because although we spend that whole minute laughing, he does nothing but put me down. I never saw it until someone said something. Tell me what you think, if you care to. To be really honest, I could use the company in a lonely time, even though you guys are wherever you are and we will never meet. Something beats nothing, every day of the week, and twice on Sunday!