On the street it is risky to let yourself be human but it is surprisingly difficult to remember you are not supposed to care about anyone. After all no one cares about you! Still you find yourself looking forward to seeing a guy, ok–a client, you particularly like to talk to, and then you find out he is nit interested in seeing you now. You do not expect to feel a pang of jealousy when you discover your “regular” has gone with another working girl. But the jealousy is there. You tell yourself not to be disappointed when you expected someone to meet you but he stands you up. And be is a no show after calling you throughout the day to confirm your appointment. Why is it so easy for other people on the street, so easy for the guys you “date” as a working girl, to disregard you. But you have feelings for them. Not love, for sure, but you do not want to feel anything at all. You want to be like the other people who deal with you on the street and then walk on by. Others appear to understand that it is all about the hustle, while you still get your feelings involved as if you are some sort of…normal person. When you are not a normal person! You know better than normal people. You had tried being a normal person and you could never fit in. Yhen you had found drugs and drugs automatically came with people who will keep you around BC you have drugs or you are willing to do things for drugs. At least you have company, albeit temporary. You should be content with a life that is less isolated than when you were on the straight and narrow and no one ever called. If only you did not get overly invested!
Maybe you are wrong. Maybe you should maintain your humanity. Maybe the problem is not your failure to be unfeeling but something else? It is possible you need to feel hurt and simply deal with the feeling. Denying your humanity is itself a weakness that drives you the drugs that make it necessary to be on the street to get the fast money. All the time you spend telling yourself “do NOT care!” might have been time better spent just acknowledging the pain and embracing your humanity. It is so hard to know how to be? What’s the right way to think that works best? Does everyone go around in circles with these self doubts or is that a street thing to toughen up? Who knows what’s the right way to be? These are thoughts people have when they are “out there” meaning on the strest