I do not have it in me to trust people


I tried to make arrangements to have someone watch my cat and my car with someone while I went on vacation. I could not believe anyone would do anything for me out of the goodness of their hearts. I start out believing but as hours, minutes, go by, I become increasingly convinced that no one would keep their word out of faithfulness to me. Ultimately I could not leave anything in anyone’s care. I had no idea I would feel this way but there it is. There is no point in asking for help BC unless I can identify a way helping me would be disproportionately advantageous to them I would never have faith that thwyd follow through. Alternatively, if I know someone who embraces the principle of reliability in a way that has nothing to do with me, I could ask this person for help due to their impersonal motivation. The upshot: I discovered there is long term parking at Honolulu airport for $18/day and I know someone who will feed the cat but won’t spend rime with him. That is an option… So is the $100 Alaska pet fee. I’m going to have to take the cat with me. I might be too jaded to do anything else. It is not just that people do not like me but that I don’t like people. Too much has happened and I no longer believe in my heart that goodwill can come my way. Rather than finding this thought depressing the acceptance makes me feel more at ease. Trippy, yes?

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