Similar sexual situations, different world views
I listen to people when they talk. You might think that statement is rather obvious but you would be wrong to assume that of course, people listen when other people talk. In fact it is rare to find one person who truly listens to others when they speak. It is quite easy to decide to do something most people do not do and differentiate yourself. It takes no special skill to listen. You merely have to listen with you’re whole ear, as I like to say. Do not try to catch other background sounds but devote yourself to that person’s words. Most of the listening comes after the conversation is over. You write down what you heard and reflect, pondering endlessly about what you heard, what the speaker said that you have heard elsewhere, what clues did he give that he was lying…When you ask yourself questions about what you heard that is where your understanding deepens.
Here is an example
I heard someone say something and upon reflection I remembered that a different person had commented on a similar situation. The situations were similar but not the conclusions. One person was a man and the other a woman. I am certain you will guess which person made the comments.
Two people were, independently, in a situation they found quite unusual. They were being intimate with someone who was not into it. One person said:
I thought I had gained weight and this proves it. I am not used to someone reacting to me with so little interest. It just shows me that something is wrong with me.Speaker #1
That was one point if view. Here is another.
That person must be a latent homosexual. I am not used to someone reacting to me with so little interest. It just shows me that something is wrong with that person.Speaker #2
I am sure you know which speaker is male (#2) and which is female (#1). I made the realization when I was writing about street sex workers and their unwillingness to show emotion during their work. Any man who commented on her lack of enthusiasm always attributed it to some inadequacy of hers. Any female worker who noticed that the man was not into her always blamed herself. It did not matter that she really did not want to have sex. The women always wanted to be desired.
How did we become a society that blames most problems on women? You would think that source of agreement would bring a form of of peace but it does not seem to bring the genders closer!