The way Hawaii cops see me makes me want to riot

September 12, 2020

In Hawaii🌺 whenever a person calls the police the police “run the name,” or check to see if the caller has a police record. It doesn’t matter that my solicitation charge was 15 years ago. Once the cops see me as a sex worker💋I cannot count on them to help me. Add to the mix my race and my outsider status (because I am not from here) and the police cannot even fake professionalism. The way they look at me infuriates me. But it does not surprise. This is what happened today⤵️

The Real Police Are Superior Humans

It makes me angry when losers who scammed their way into a respectable profession put in a uniform and give everyone a bad name. On this day 29 years ago I was marveling at how almost everyone was running away from the World Trade Center while the police and other first responders were running, yes running, towards the disaster. They had to know not all of them would make it out, but they gave their lives for strangers. The Apostle Paul wrote while we were yet enemies, Christ died for our sins. I was privileged to see the love of Jesus in action through the NYPD. I have nothing but respect for those people. Let me be clear about my attitude towards people who do I job I am incapable of doing, and who are the only people in my life who will come help me if I call.

The former Honolulu Chief of Police 👮 Awaits Sentencing

Lots of federal charges. His wife was the head prosecutor (true story) and she too awaits sentencing on even more charges they racked up while in service to the people of Honolulu. Drugs, theft, fraud, elder abuse misappropriation of funds, a looong list. Many more charges than the majority of women I met in prison when I was there for possessing a single pill. It’s little wonder that this type of leadership produced the clown that showed up at my place an hour ago. I noticed broken glass that indicated a break in. I knew I had to make a police report or people would say, it couldn’t have been a big deal if you didn’t call the police. I dreaded the unprofessional attitude of the officers who typically show up when I’ve called. I have two assaults by two different neighbors on video, and neither person was arrested. The cops thought it was funny. That’s why I dreaded calling HPD today. I knew they’d communicate their standard message to me: you don’t matter.

Experienced Jerks Know How to Disrespect the Public w/o getting in trouble

Two officers responded to take my report. One was young, enthusiastic. He actually looked at the jealousie window I know was a replacement for the one that had been broken. You see, I had the windows secured so the only way to get in was to break the window. I come home to a pile of glass shards and a different window. It takes less than five minutes to insert one of the glass slats known as jalousies. The second so-called cop was dismissive, and what infuriated me was the casual way he leaned on his elbows against the railing, never moving until he walked off without saying anything to the other officer. His body position is not something that could convincingly be communicated to others. People would say it is a matter of opinion. He had found a way to be a total douche without the public really being able to replicate what he did. The only things he said was he saw no evidence the glass came from my window. I said since he never looked at it , how could he. I asked if they could at least do fingerprints. His response was Forensic Files was a show for tv that bore no resemblance to actual police work. When he walked off I told the young one not to follow the example of indifference and disrespect. The young one will be lost if his training days are spent with that total douche. Even now I am frustrated bc nothing I wrote seems unreasonable on the cop’s part. I simply cannot translate his slouch into words to explain why I’m so furious. Maybe I am overly bitter about a lifetime of being nothing much in the eyes of people who see my little brown face and make their assumptions.

One thing I am sure of is that the older cop was nowhere near the level of the NYPD 19 years ago. This guy, casually leaning back on his elbows, would never have run back into those buildings. I wish people would make the distinction between the guys behind police brutality and police indifference, and genuine officers who rise to be heroes when that’s what’s needed.

Is self condemnation the key 🔑 to progess


I disagree with the idea that you should be ashamed of where you’ve been. Certainly, it might be true that you’d be reasonable to cringe when remembering your recent stress. I am familiar with being embarrassed about where I have been. No one judges me more harshly than I do. However I want to try being kinder to myself by not condemning the old me. After all the past me is not really gone but continued. Why tell myself “you were such an idiot Caroleena!” I could use the reminiscence to praise my progress.

I love the kitty cat

You’ve heard of copy cats? Notice the curve of the cat, Hank. How his body is shaped like mine and he has a hand on his forehead and an arm outstretched, just like his mom. And you know you can’t bribe a cat or blackmail a cat into doing anything. That was the cat’s decision to emulate me.

63 out of 74 Residents in Veteran’s Facility in Hawaii caught COVID

September 09, 2020, Wednesday, 2118 Hrs.

Ridiculous Rule Til 9/23/2020

We are ending the second shutdown in Hawaii tomorrow. Sort of. You can do outdoor activities but you must hike, swim, etc. alone. No exceptions. Not even for parents with young children. Come to think of it, not even parents with each other. Doesn’t matter if you are in the same household, you can’t be in public together. The 2 year old must go to the park solo. Are we suddenly infectious toward each other outdoors? Nothing based on science. Oh yes, non essential businesses to remain closed til the 23rd. Yesterday I received the email making it official that I have no job. It was only part time and I knew this was coming and there was nothing to be done…but still it is sad.

The State Veterans Hime is on Big Island

The Big Island is larger than the star of Connecticut and all of the Hawaiian 🌴 Islands would fit inside. We had the best stats in the country. We could have learned from outbreaks elsewhere but evidently did not. Now we have this outbreak in facilities—including the jail. Both of these government run places say they are following CDC guidelines. I’m guessing not. It is pretty corrupt here and it is mainly about who you know not how qualified you are, so slackers abound. However, if there is any truth to the claim that CDC regulations are in place we are in trouble. What have we got? The rule to stay away from the people in our home when outdoors? That does not inspire confidence. We NEED TO FIND OUT WHY BC WE DO NOT KNOW.

The pandemic is still not society wide in Hawaii. Will we mostly remain untouched by the experience of being sick and knowing people who are sick. With the exception of hard hit pockets of illness among physically isolated groups within institutions. AIDS taught me that viruses don’t stay over there but make themselves at home right here. I will keep you posted.

Caroleena, expertescort, on COVID in Hawaii

Read Link and then my question: Rochester police chief to retire amid Daniel Prude death protests – CNN

Rochester police chief to retire amid Daniel Prude death protests – CNN
— Read on amp.cnn.com/cnn/2020/09/08/us/rochester-police-chief-daniel-prude-case/index.html

Paid vacation is considered as benefit. I noticed police are frequently suspended with pay after suspicion of killing a black person in custody. If they are suspending without pay they can always receive back pay in a lump sum. My question:

Is suspension with pay actually an earned benefit for killing someone black in custody? Surely I am not the first person to notice this reward.

I am special if he sees me as a sex object—right?

I was wrong

I thought I was special if a man wanted to have sex with me. I thought men were choosy. Men are indeed choosy but not in the way I thought. Men are quite often willing to have sex with anyone, and if no one is going to find out that group expands to include almost everyone. I felt so…chosen when I walked out to the street in downtown Honolulu known for prostitution and it took less than a minute for someone to pull over.

Getting the Nod of Approval

I used to time how long I had to stand out there before I was chosen (as I called it). In the year 2000, thereabouts, I always had a digital watch to have the pleasure of noting 42 seconds, 37 seconds, 19 seconds after I reached Kukui Street, I had made eye contact with a man driving slowly on the mixed residential/commercial Street. I would nod my head in response to him first making the gesture. When I did he would again nod but this time gesturing to the left or the right and Is see him pull over admirer going just past me to the first available open space. As I walked to the parked car, I watched him from behind to make sure he had not turned off the vehicle as if he were going to exit the car. He too was watching me in the rear view mirror so he was not surprised when I appeared on the passenger side and asked “can I have a ride?” It was a rush. And yes, I knew it was shallow but I felt sexy and pretty.

Falling into the “almost anyone” category is not special

Unfortunately being selected on the street for a secret rendezvous did not satisfy my need to feel special bc being chosen was nothing special. From what I now know about men willing to have secret sex with strangers, i would have been special if he did not want to have sex, lol. You’re truly special to him when he wants to be with you for something other than sex. You’re special when he wants to spend time with you before and/or after. You’re special when he meets up with you and it’s not for sex. You’re special when he is willing to be seen with you, when he tells people about you, when he introduces you to people in his life. All of these factors are prerequisites for a commitment from him to you.

Taking What I Thought I Could Get

My chances of getting an open commitment from a regular guy went down the drain when I became a sex worker. One of the reasons I choose to do this work was not just for drugs but bc after I searched for my birth family and I experienced a string of rejections from biological relatives and former foster parents, I gave up on the idea of someone wanting me permanently. I believed if I wanted companionship I had better offer sex or I would have no company whatsoever. I took the only thing I thought I could get. Something temporary, thinking something beats nothing. Sex work was a subconscious attempt to fill an emotional void as I pursued the most important goal of supporting my habit.

3K Views for YouTube Honolulu Secret Street Sex Video

I wasn’t trying to promote this video, I just casually posted it. I thought it might interest you to see the unlikely places people hid to rendezvous

Certain Men Don’t Hit Women

When I worked in the sex industry I spent a lot more time than I ever would have imagined talking to clients. Come to think of it, in terms of minutes, if one were to count, I spent more time talking to clients than doing anything else. Surprised me, that was for sure. If there were no time constraints, it would not have been unusual for me to hang out for an hour or two. One reason for conversations that exposed me to attitudes from a geographically diverse group of guys was my true interest in seizing the opportunity to get to know people from all over the country. Hawaii was a tourist Mecca, before the pandemic, with 30,000 (!) people flying in daily. Whenever I found myself comfortably conversant with a client in his hotel room, I’d inquire about his thought patterns. (This practice also fed my delusion that I was doing anthropological research, not hooking. Lol.). Without exception, no matter where the man was from, when I asked a man why he respected women, if he had voiced this practice, I heard versions of the same influence:

My dad always said never put your hands on a woman. I always think of my mother, sister, aunt, or some other female relative, and I would not want anyone to hurt her.

The underlying reason men who don’t hit women remain nonviolent.

Father’s genuine good example + Favorable view of female relative = A Man Who Does Not Hit Women

Dad’s actions+ Opinion of Mom= Formula for Determining How a man treats women

Note: men always noted explicit lessons. In other words, dad spoke on the issue of misogyny in addition to leading by example. By the way, parental lessons are also influential in determining racist attitudes, according to my non-scientific research.

All Kinds of Men Pay For Sex, To My Enormous Surprise

You probably didn’t see a lot of high staus men downtown

The speculation of one of my critics

I am sure you know those people who always have something negative to say about everyone. One of these people turned his critical gaze my way when I was telling some people about this site. Immediately I thought of this 2018 post from one of the most popular months since the start of Harvard Xhookr in Hawaii.

Are Men Who Pay For Sex Sad Sacks or Sickos?

by X-Streetwalker Turned Sex Talker

Before I got involved with prostitution I had preconceived ideas about the type of men who paid for sex. I possessed no actual facts and so complete was my ignorance that I did not know I knew nothing. Secure in my rightness, I thought there were only two types of people who hired sex workers. The “losers” who were utterly lacking in appeal for any number if reasons and needed to provide financial incentives to obtain companionship. The losers were used and abused by women who only wanted money, but mistreatment was better than isolation. No money, no honey. When I saw media coverage of a 90 year old man who drew up a new will that cut out his kids and left everything to his favorite sex worker, I thought him pitiful and deluded.

The second category of my imaginary client population was the “sicko.” These depraved sexual sadists hired sex workers to victimize them. They took advantage of the perceived police indifference to the lives of hookers to do as much damage to as many disadvantaged people as possible until finally society couldn’t turn a blind eye to the discarded bodies of murder victims. He considered himself a hero for ridding society of these problems. One client told me this joke: Question: What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? Answer: A crime fighter. When a story about some guy cutting off a prostitute’s head and throwing her mutilated remains in a Waikiki dumpster made news I thought that behavior was to be expected from any man who paid for sex. Something was wrong with these guys, right?

My desire for drugs, crack cocaine in the early years on the street overcame my fear. Apprehensively, I jumped into cars with strange men. but I got out of the same cars thoughtfully. These guys were nothing like I imagined! Facts can sure screw with a world view. Dear Readers, Introducing:

NOT SICKOS OR SAD SACKS-OBSERVATIONS ABOUT MEN WHO HIRED STREETWALKERS. 

Wow! Took me over a year of hardcore self involvement to even think to write about someone other than myself, but I have finally arrived. Look for posts on the topic of client motivation. We welcome input from any guy who’d like to share his motives in the comments section. 

In real life I found that clients (tricks as many say) were usually not desperate or sexual sadists– not with me. There was as much diversity among men I saw hiring prostitutes as their was with people who used drugs. (I believe sex workers I knew had but a few motivations

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