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Addiction and Prostitution in Hawaii COVID in Honolulu

I have needlessly carried my vaccination card all week in Honolulu

Vaccination passport policy announced

Today is Friday September 24, 2021. This is the second week of the big policy initiative that requires Hawaii residents, at least in Oahu, to show proof of vaccination or a very recent negative COVID test. As you know if you are a faithful reader (welcome if you are a newcomer to our site!) I chose vaccination not bc I am convinced it is safe but bc someone had to try it so we can find out if vaccination works. If I wait to see if others have bad reactions it would be the same, I believe, as saying I want other people to take the risks and I will wait to read the benefits after all the kinks are smoothed out. I did not like what that thinking said about my character and trite as it may be I wanted to be the change I want to see in the world. Besides, I spent years on the streets of Honolulu, not really contributing to society but feeling like I had the moral high ground over other addicts who stole from people. After all, I reasoned, people give me their money and do not want it back. Society should have more addicts like me. That was my thinking twenty years ago. Today I want to make more of a direct contribution.

I invested in a plastic card holder and a lanyard to keep my vaccination card around my neck for easy access when I was asked to present to vaccination card. I fully expected to be carded everywhere I went, like a young adult trying to get into a bar. Imagine my surprise when…

I was never asked to show proof of vaccination

Not once. I went for a minor matter to one of the magnet hospital’s emergency rooms. They did not want to see the card or make a record of it. I went to the law library in Hawaii’s Federal District Court. No one asked, again, not one of the armed security guards wanted to look when I offered the card. Supermarkets had no one at the door the way I expected. Same with Walmart. I had a friend tell me a restaurant would not allow him to eat outside bc he is not vaccinated. I never went to a restaurant, unless you count McDonald’s at Fort Street Mall where no one was posted up like I had anticipated.

What do I know about adequate public health measures?

I have a layperson’s understanding of what we are supposed to do during this crisis. COVID case numbers are declining, meaning, I think, fewer people are officially designated as newly infected every day. The numbers are still much higher than when Hawaii was locked down so are we basing policy on science and data? I don’t know. Just trying to do my part. Things are improving in Honolulu, I am told, though I still have not had illness as a part of my life or anyone I know, thankfully. I don’t think I deserve any credit but just know au have done my part! Only thing is, no one seems to care. Makes me wonder what measures are truly in place, policy notwithstanding. Why are things really getting better?

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My Reluctance to get CoronaVirus Vaccine Showed me an unlovely side of myself

I was not sure I wanted to do it myself. I was operating on the principle best summed up with the words: better you than me. I had to make a change to embrace a living amends because of my debt to society. Really, the debt is more to myself because society has quite gotten over expecting anything from people situated like me.

Other people could get the vaccine, and I could see what happens, I thought. That would be fine. After all, you just never know. Right…you never know. And since I do not know if it is safe and the only way for us as a society to find out if it is safe is for people to get vaccinated. Someone has to do it. Many someone’s. And I was ok with other people taking the risks for me, and I would swoop in and reap the benefits once I got the results.

Was I really that selfish? I was. This selfishness was news to me. I thought of myself as a person on the forefront of advocating for people’s well being within my personal circle and extended circle. And yet… My first instinct was to preserve myself at the expense of other people. I was really disappointed in myself, as much as I was surprised. This is the elementary lesson that maybe others have learned much earlier but I am just getting around to mastering: If I want to be a good person as I define “good” I have to make an effort to think differently and do what I ordinarily would not do. I have to do the things that, to put it colloquially, suck. I am not talking about other people’s opinion of me, because no one really knows and if it came down to it, a person can say whatever she wants to in the unlikely event that someone asks something so personal as did you or did you not have that medical procedure. No one had asked me, and there was always the fall back position of lying once I found out which way they were leaning. I had no worries about other people’s opinions. After all, people are pretty much caught up in judging me for my past anyway and generally consider me ineligible for the label “good.” Yes, I have to say I have just about gotten over looking for approval from others because I have faced the fact that it is pretty much not going to happen, the “it” being approval from other people who know me. Unless…unless I meet special, nonjudgmental people who like me anyway and the only person who did not judge me and liked me anyway and not just for my body is dead and has been since 2017. That kind of lightening has never struck twice for me. I am not trying to win friends and influence people. I want to live with myself. And I cannot be at peace with who I am if I am happy to let other people do for me what I could and should do for myself and others.

I want to be proud of myself but I could not be proud of myself if I let other people take the risk for me. I wanted a life that made a difference and I do not know yet if my life will matter the way I wanted it to matter. And what did I want? My goal is to have a life that makes the people that come in contact with the results of my work or my presence better off because I existed. That is a broad standard that allows for much apparent failure but does so in such a way that failure does not mean I did not matter. People could even look at me as a lesson in what not to do. I will take that. However, I cannot hide from the fact that my mentality has not been focused on giving to others over the years. I will even go so far as to admit that I enjoyed much of my time doing what people do not respect, and what in actuality, renders me so unimportant that I am practically invisible to most people. Being the kind of selfish that is the hallmark of addiction generally means you do not make a difference and the world might be better off without you. Harsh but true.

The selfishness that is the hallmark of addiction renders the addicted person so devoid of status that she is almost invisible to society and people are ok with not seeing her. There is no making a difference in the world when you are all caught up in yourself.

Caroleena, contemplating why she eventually got the vaccine after seeing herself in the glaring light of introspection

And now– I have the chance to do something for the community and I was not rushing to seize the moment? That was shameful. And that shame motivated me in a way that makes shame kind of a good thing. I went ahead and got both shots. Pfizer. Sore arm for a few days. Some fatigue. Will there be long term effects? I guess we will find out. And it might as well be me who does the discovering. Wouldn’t you agree?

There is an appropriate and productive way to apply shame for a good outcome. Yet another statement that I recognize is harsh, but true. Hey, truth is harsh, sometimes. That’s why it is best for me to say the harsh things about myself because it might be alienating to shine the light of truth on others. You know that I speak only for myself and even then, I am not guaranteeing that the events I speak of are literal. There could be creative license in anything I write. You do know that yes? Just an aside.

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Prostitution

I Am Sorry, Beloved💋 Readers, Soon🔜 To Be Viewers

I owe you, my beloved readers, an apology and an amends, amend as in mending or fixing what I am sorry about.  It’s ok to be wrong. To refuse to admit a mistake is like saying Jesus ✝️ is my closest peer, what with both of us being perfect. Yeah, right.  Here goes.

It’s June 24, 2019 and I am sorry that I failed to keep my word. I was looking over all of my posts, passing on the ones with the most views. There had been a lot of interest in my invitation to you all, to join me remotely in my Honolulu🌺 prostitution👠 retrospective.  I promised to give more of myself in 2019. I said I’d do videos, take you guys around Honolulu’s 🏪round the clock sex trade sites with my 📱phone camera. I planned one minute editorials, like Andy Rooney on “60 Minutes.”🎬

The year📅 is half over ⏳ and I have done nothing I promised. Why not? I chickened out. I worried about the condition of my skin. My skin, my nemesis for 30 years. Would my make up look clownish? Would my camera phone action come off as stupidly amateurish instead of simply genuine? Etcetera, ad nauseum. I feared mockery. Fear, my lifelong companion. Ridiculous bc I’m afraid of the non existent, but fear does not yield to logic. Fear laughs in logic’s face.

HA!

I’m going to cut myself some slack and ease into presenting myself to the world for mankind’s eternal record. I’m going to audiotape myself reading my posts to accompany the written work. (As I wrote that, the plan seemed a little redundant.) You can read my post and click on an icon to hear me read it? Yes, that’s the plan. It’s time to do something, anything, however silly is better than paralysis.  It’s time to gather my strength and take the plunge. Yes! In my next post. Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. Next time.🔜