Success is an event but also a journey from striving to arriving. This rite of passage is fraught with danger for the uninitiated but you will use these words to prepare for a successful trip that does not go off course into self destruction.
Being hated all your life makes you feel like you know who you are because your long term companion, hatred, tells you.Caroleena’s answer to “how does it feel to be hated?”
This post’s link, for easy sharing:
- “Manterruption” vs “No Means No”. See linked Tweettwitter.com/studentofdra/status/1314697278024712198 Manterruption is a term I just learned. The definition I’ve linked explains in more detail than I am going to, but to summarize, it’s men interrupting women bc they automatically feel there’s nothing a woman says they are bound to respect or even wait out. Am reminded of why I hate the phrase “no […]
- “Gigantic amount of Community Spread,” Hawaii Lt. Gov. Josh Green 8/18/2020 on COVID-19 in Hawaii right nowHawaii on a summer Tuesday was never like this. I’m watching the midday news and giving you up to the minute info. One more person has died. Today’s total new cases is under 200. A bit better. But we are headed for tightened restrictions—a press conference is coming later today Hawaii Lt Gov is a […]
- “Beauty” and “Bitch” Have Something in CommonBeauty and Bitch Are Alike Beauty and Bitch are both in the eyes of the beholder. That’s why I am so often misunderstood.
- “All Men Are Gay” – Ivy League Educated X-streetwalker in Honolulu
- “All Men Are Gay”
Stages of Grief
According to the work of a scholar who studied loss there are five stages of grief that take us from immobilized devastation to, ultimately acceptance. The theory focuses on our internal states, like denial, or bargaining. I propose adding a modern action to the grief process: Compulsive Internet Searching
Yes, Internet Searching➡️Grief Process
After I found my friend (I don’t know what to call the relationship) dead in my kitchen, I developed a habit. I searched for his name online. I tried different search engines, no middle name, with an address, without an address, phone number, email addresses. I looked for every scrap of info I could find. I even joined one of those background checking sites for $25. I learned some new things, minor stuff like in the past he might have wanted to act. But eventually there was nothing new to add to his bio so I was simply reading, re-reading the same facts. Weeks, months of this until I gradually stopped. I never mentioned it.
Recently I picked up a book. One of the characters had not spoken to her sister in 18 years and she did the same compulsive internet searching, including the review of unchanging information. I thought, “I bet this is a thing.”
I’ve Been Asked To Give Wisdom
The irony of anyone looking to me for insight is obvious, although I have been through some things that could provide info. Therefore, from the depth of my experience with my own grief, a fiction novel, and a powerful hunch, I say if you find yourself stuck on OCD internet searches, that’s part of the process. The habit will naturally taper off. I speculate that we need to exert some kind of control when we are most powerless and the searching allows us to do something. It is ok to go through your process.
What Helped Me
about obsession? Let the phone keep track of your screen time. How much of your day are you searching for his name in the year 2002, when he lived in Kansas? Are you searching for her name and her rabbit’s name to see if there are Facebook posts you haven’t seen? I have been there: “Caroleena, ,Sniffie, 🐇Topeka.” I might have searched these terms a whole lot. I understand if you’re doing something similar. Gone overboard? Seek counseling and give details about your specific practices to get informed advice.
When I think about yesterday’s blog about how lonely it can be in sobriety, I had to consider that no one has really paid a lot of attention to the loss involved in getting clean. There’s loss involved in making any change. It is stressful when things work out right. We think we have no right to “complain” about how difficult it can be to succeed and get off the streets or reach some other longed for milestone. But we are not complaining as much as we are expressing the truth. Yes our old life was fraught with difficulties to say the least. But there are things we miss, and we feel ashamed to miss them because we are told they were bad. For example, I miss the way cars would pull over for me and give me that fleeting feeling of being chosen in a life full of rejection. There’s nowhere I can say that given the stigma surrounding being a sex worker. But also, there’s so much emphasis on being relentlessly positive I feel there’s no room to be honest. I am not talking about dwelling on self pity but just talking about the feeling of an experience, knowing it will change but it is my reality now., this moment. So for all of you who have moments of pain, loss, sadness, a lot of bloggers won’t say this: me too! Lol!