My Worst Betrayal is why I am alone now…wp_story1618244613330_0

My best friend would have been my boyfriend but he was mostly gay and had complicated feelings for me, as a woman. Our relationship was a series of extremes but I loved him and lived for the day he wouldn’t punish me with the silent treatment after an especially great time (that was his pattern.) He was from Massachusetts and a huge Patriots fan. He came over the Saturday night after the Patriots made the Superbowl. I was thrilled to wake up and find his phone was beside me in bed. That meant he was still there. I had had my doubts bc he was coming off of a bout of the silent treatment towards me during the week. I felt purely happy when I got out of bed to join him in the kitchen. It was in the kitchen that I found his dead body. The autopsy took 4 months to deliver final results bc toxicology and other tests take place thousands of miles away. During the waiting period the people who comforted me were telling others I had killed him. They spoke of our volatile relationship, going so far as to contact police and medical examiner. Why? Bc they had sold him drugs and if those drugs had killed him they could’ve gotten in trouble. The results of the autopsy was death by accident due to mixed drug intoxication. No large amount of something like an overdose but with 7 drugs in his system, no way to know which drug or what combo had been fatal. Also, the artery that is most important for supplying the heart was 75 percent blocked. I did not kill him, no one did, but my “friends* set me up in case a scapegoat was needed. I have been alone since 2017. My friend never got to see the Patriots win that Superbowl.

I never held their whiteness against them

But I also found out that my race was always on their minds and always had been. Of course when you first meet someone you notice their looks but when you get to know them you think of them by name. Not–the tall guy, for example. When it came to me, the person who had introduced me to my best friend referred to me as “that black girl.” She had known me for ten years. When my friend died she became concerned that his family would review his finances and find checks written out to her in handwriting that was not his, and the checks were signed in this unknown person’s handwriting. For her purpose of distracting the family from her fraud she told them the black hooker killed him and had robbed him too. At that time she was out on bail awaiting sentencing for the robbery charge she picked up when she bit the security guard at Macy’s in Windward Mall. She was looking at 10 years. And if the sentencing judge had heard she picked up a new financial fraud felony…a happy ending for her would be unlikely.

Last of all, I felt betrayed by the administration. God let me feel love and snatched it away. So I really know what I am missing.

It is hard to pray with the belief that Someone with my best interests at heart is hearing and rearranging things to benefit me. You can understand my scepticism can’t you?

Categories Grief and Loss hope

How we use search engines to deal with death and loss—Link to unique observation


Modern grief —Compulsive Internet Searches After the Death of a Loved One

Stages of Grief

According to the work of a scholar who studied loss there are five stages of grief that take us from immobilized devastation to, ultimately acceptance. The theory focuses on our internal states, like denial, or bargaining. I propose adding a modern action to the grief process: Compulsive Internet Searching

Yes, Internet Searching➡️Grief Process

After I found my friend (I don’t know what to call the relationship) dead in my kitchen, I developed a habit. I searched for his name online. I tried different search engines, no middle name, with an address, without an address, phone number, email addresses. I looked for every scrap of info I could find. I even joined one of those background checking sites for $25. I learned some new things, minor stuff like in the past he might have wanted to act. But eventually there was nothing new to add to his bio so I was simply reading, re-reading the same facts. Weeks, months of this until I gradually stopped. I never mentioned it.

Recently I picked up a book. One of the characters had not spoken to her sister in 18 years and she did the same compulsive internet searching, including the review of unchanging information. I thought, “I bet this is a thing.”

I’ve Been Asked To Give Wisdom

The irony of anyone looking to me for insight is obvious, although I have been through some things that could provide info. Therefore, from the depth of my experience with my own grief, a fiction novel, and a powerful hunch, I say if you find yourself stuck on OCD internet searches, that’s part of the process. The habit will naturally taper off. I speculate that we need to exert some kind of control when we are most powerless and the searching allows us to do something. It is ok to go through your process.

What Helped Me

about obsession? Let the phone keep track of your screen time. How much of your day are you searching for his name in the year 2002, when he lived in Kansas? Are you searching for her name and her rabbit’s name to see if there are Facebook posts you haven’t seen? I have been there: “Caroleena, ,Sniffie, 🐇Topeka.” I might have searched these terms a whole lot. I understand if you’re doing something similar. Gone overboard? Seek counseling and give details about your specific practices to get informed advice.


Suffering through a sudden death, like Kobe Bryant’s? I have a wee bit of comfort for mourners based on my experience.

I used to believe I was a teensy bit psychic. I thought God gave me ideas by putting information in my head. Now I don’t think God is speaking with me as much as I believe my subconscious clarifies issues for my waking mind. I used to think God, or Whoever, would give me a helpfully prepatory hint before tragedy strikes. Then my friend died. He was the man I loved most, who sometimes loved me and who was good to me one third of the time. I found his lifeless body in my kitchen when I woke three years ago. I was accustomed to my friend being in another room with his porn, so I thought nothing of it when he wasn’t in bed beside me. In the twenty seconds it took to find him, I had no clue a corpse awaited. None. I am so glad. Because I was purely happy for the last time during those seconds. I knew he was there with me and things were good between us the night before.

I enjoyed the simple wisdom of a child who firmly grasps what’s most important. Like the song says, I was happy and I knew it. I felt like clapping my hands. A psychic gift for sending impending doom would have ruined my final wonderful moment, and foresight would not have delivered useful preparation.

Caroleena, explaining why ignorance can be bliss one to appreciate.

For anyone who feels shock over a sudden death, Kobe Bryant’s death or anyone’s, be grateful for the shock. You were spared the detestable ruinous knowledge that the inevitable will soon be present. You were given extra time for happiness. Similarly, be grateful for the first three seconds when you first wake and you don’t yet remember the horror of the present. It’s not much, I know. Sometimes the glass isn’t half empty but almost entirely dry and you have to make due with a sip. Take what you can get.

Escort Answers

Is depression just whining self indulgent attention seeking by greedy people who just want more–or a real illness? An experiment

Do I need anything to be sad about to be sad?

Depressed? Snap Out Of It! Now why didn’t I think of that? The Cure for Depression, At Last!

I have read a lot of posts on social media that advise depressed people to snap out of it with happy thoughts I totally identified with the contemptuous tone the writers had for troubled people. I had felt the same way about those whiners who had nothing to be upset about. Here I was all alone, after the people who adopted me grew quite vocal about how “people are getting sick of [me]” and they regretted taking me in. What’s more, I was far from popular in school, and I imagined that if I had someone who cared enough to initiate contact with me, just one person…no, I could not even imagine someone seeking me out for the reward of contacting me. How dare these people with all of their so-called “loved ones,” complain? These people had parents–2! Siblings, significant others, children, and friends. I know, because I have read articles giving advice about how to support your “loved one” who is battling depression. I felt such rage at people who had more than I even dared wish for, and yet, they suffered within. Surely, my life with all of this isolation would annihilate the beloved depressed. Was depression even a real illness or was this term applied to a spoiled person’s self indulgent gluttony for sympathy? I hated those “families dealing with depression.” Walk a mile in my shoes. Unless the definition of depression is:

Depression: the feeling of emptiness, lack of the will to participate in life and anhedonia, independent of life circumstances and thoughts.

I tried an experiment. If I, as an ordinary human, have the absolute power over my consciousness that effecting these remedies requires, then I should be able to put myself into any state of mind I choose. If I should be able to snap out of depression then I can snap in to depression. Right? But try as I might, I could not produce feelings of grief and loss. I remembered the mourning I suffered through after the loss of my friend three years ago this month. I could not summon those feelings to the forefront of my heart and mind. And not for lack of trying. I was not being self indulgent.

We are all unique except when it comes to illness. When we are afflicted, physically, mentally, we experience the same suffering, albeit in our own way. And there’s no thinking one’s way out.

I can’t snap out of feelings, not good ones, not bad ones. I suspect you can’t either. And that is the crux of the difficulty with mental illness a person knows she has, and wants to overcome. She simply cannot get over it. Just because something is simple doesn’t make it easy.

Escort Answers

Why Would You Even Say If There Is Anything I Can Do, Let Me Know, When You Know Damn Well What Needs Doing and a YouTube Video Link for Reader Participation

People Don’t Want to Help

Not really. But people want to be viewed as helpful, without the awkwardness of dealing with someone who is really hurting. We are uncomfortable with emotional outbursts in American culture, and when intense emotions are associated with death, why, we Americans want to head for the hills. How many times have you heard someone say “It is the first time I saw [insert name] cry?” When this is said no one is remarking on the newfound openness and sense of intimacy they felt over a shared loss. They are always relaying their horror and deep discomfort that someone they counted on not to show raw emotion was doing precisely that. Ever noticed?

Mourning and Grief

That’s one of the mourning associated phrases I am pondering, the first time I saw so-and-so cry, along with the infamous “if there is anything I can do for you, let me know.” I hate that. People know good and well that no one is going to slide out on that limb and ask for help on top of suffering through grief. It is especially obvious that the person does not want to help because they never offered “anything” before, and they simply could have shown up with “anything” in tow, rather than make a grieving person do all the work of seeking comfort.

If You Are Going To Be Fake Nice, At Least Don’t Be Obvious

Don’t I sound like I am speaking from embittering experience? I am not. I am speaking out of jealousy, and this is why: I was never offered the “anything” that I complain about. I have seen people who received consolation. They seemed so much better off than me. I used to hate them unabashedly. Now I tell myself everyone has their own path and mine is different. Do you think it worked? I’ve had many chances to work on my self-soothing. It is almost the third anniversary of my friend’s death and no one acknowledged me as important in his life. They followed his public lead. Mine too. Our relationship was behind closed doors. Neither of us had any other friends besides each other. When he was speaking to me and not affirming his homosexuality by shutting me out, we had so much fun, and lots of sexual adventures which I will share in a sanitized way, later. Behind closed doors is where I felt all my joy, and that’s the obstacle between me and the rest of the world. A closed door.

What Sports Team Would Your Eulogy Mention? My friend was such a fan of the Patriots that they were mentioned in his obituary and eulogy, from what I read online. I was not invited to participate with the family, not the way I met Ken, and not after he said I wasn’t his girl friend but a girl who was a friend. I found him dead in my kitchen the Sunday after the Patriots made the Superbowl the day before. You remember the one they were down by a lot at half time and came back to win at the end? My friend never got to see that game but I did. Ironic.

But on the bright side, I did know happiness. I can even prove it. I will give you a one minute and 14 second YouTube Link that shows us having fun. I was happy once. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I don’t have any family, never did, and although I haven’t experienced a loss in this area because there was no one to lose, it doesn’t feel good. Pain is pain. I don’t mind showing you the video because as I told you before no one I know reads my blog or encourages me so I need not worry about revealing my identity. Only strangers will see the video.

Anything Abusive?

I’d like your opinion on something. My friend, who I loved, had a mean streak. Someone said his verbal abusiveness was obvious because although we spend that whole minute laughing, he does nothing but put me down. I never saw it until someone said something. Tell me what you think, if you care to. To be really honest, I could use the company in a lonely time, even though you guys are wherever you are and we will never meet. Something beats nothing, every day of the week, and twice on Sunday!

Escort Answers

Letting Go, My Response To Another Blog is so Good I Want You to See it

Ending A Friendship I Wanted

Yesterday was my birthday. I know a former friend remembered because she is all about Western and Eastern Astrology, which requires a knowledge of birthdays. I was hoping to hear from her. I attempted to manifest her phone call to me by speaking aloud–into the universe, is what the New Age-y types say. Nothing. Were my vibes wrong so I didn’t get what I wanted due to “vibrational” error (whatever that is according to Law of Attraction proponents), or do I need to let the relationship go because I am better off without her? Why am I asking questions I have the answer to–because I never thought about a relationship this way: At her core, she takes pleasure in the downfall of other people, unless she can take public credit for their success. Otherwise she will root for their failure and take every sneaky opportunity to sabotage them–or him, or her. Or me. I miss her company, the conversations that never stopped, the easy way I can be my hyperactive self without anyone telling me to be quiet or stop thinking so much. But in her heart, she wishes me ill. And she acts on those feelings. I am not safe with her in my life. So–what else can I do but learn–but what lessons? My new friend articulated one of the situation’s embedded lessons, “if the core of the person is bad, let go of old loyalties for so-called “favors” she did for her own selfish motives, and cut that cord.” More lessons: just because a loss hurts doesn’t mean you need to hold on. Not every necessary action feels pleasant. Not every correction decision is comfortable. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL GOOD EVERY MOMENT AND YOU CAN STILL ACT IN MOMENTS OF PAIN.

Just because some task scares you does not mean you can’t do it.

Caroleena, The Expert Escort

What do you think of this hibiscus flower as part of my logo or site? Does it bring out the Hawaii setting a bit more?

Escort Answers Escort Life Hacks Hooker Hacks

X-Hooker Life Hack #73

The best time to look honest is when you are lying.


X-Hooker Life Hacks–the world’s newest wisdom from the world’s oldest profession