Losing everything could be tragic or freeing, depending on what you have to lose
Doing whatever the hell you want with no one to get in your way. And the thing you want to do is within your reach. Every day, when you are using you get to have the thing you most want. How often do regular people get to day that? When do their dreams come true?
In a way addicts like me, the kind of people who are all in, are like very wealthy people. By giving up on everything we have nothing in our lives that stops us from doing whatever the hell we want. It is easy to say this in retrospect, when I know that using drugs would cause me to lose everything in My life except the parts of my character that can’t be removed. For example, thinking skills learned through education are in the brain to stay. A sense of purpose is something that a person can lose and I lost it. All if the material possessions–gone. The capacity to earn back material possessions has disappeared too. What’s left. No money, no stuff, a generally adequate ability to think logically. Never had a family. The potential to get a husband is gone bc no one wants someone with my background. It all seems very sad but there is an upside. No one to care about and no one who cares about me means there is no pressure, no one wanting anything from me, not even wanting to know where I am. But wouldn’t that have happened anyway, me being alone bc I cannot get along with people. I have always been ashamed for people to see me all alone. I hated people knowing no one wanted me. I see now that using drugs has helped me not to care about the isolation that has been my fate since I was old enough to notice that I was never a part of a group. Some people would say I created this reality. By expecting to be alone. But I really thought I was hoping for live. Had I given up on being lived and loving someone without knowing it? Hence the willingness to try this thing bc I had nothing to lose that was worth fighting to keep.
