#ControversialTopics unpopular opinion

We addicts are kind of like very wealthy people

Losing everything could be tragic or freeing, depending on what you have to lose

Doing whatever the hell you want with no one to get in your way. And the thing you want to do is within your reach. Every day, when you are using you get to have the thing you most want. How often do regular people get to day that? When do their dreams come true?

In a way addicts like me, the kind of people who are all in, are like very wealthy people. By giving up on everything we have nothing in our lives that stops us from doing whatever the hell we want. It is easy to say this in retrospect, when I know that using drugs would cause me to lose everything in My life except the parts of my character that can’t be removed. For example, thinking skills learned through education are in the brain to stay. A sense of purpose is something that a person can lose and I lost it. All if the material possessions–gone. The capacity to earn back material possessions has disappeared too. What’s left. No money, no stuff, a generally adequate ability to think logically. Never had a family. The potential to get a husband is gone bc no one wants someone with my background. It all seems very sad but there is an upside. No one to care about and no one who cares about me means there is no pressure, no one wanting anything from me, not even wanting to know where I am. But wouldn’t that have happened anyway, me being alone bc I cannot get along with people. I have always been ashamed for people to see me all alone. I hated people knowing no one wanted me. I see now that using drugs has helped me not to care about the isolation that has been my fate since I was old enough to notice that I was never a part of a group. Some people would say I created this reality. By expecting to be alone. But I really thought I was hoping for live. Had I given up on being lived and loving someone without knowing it? Hence the willingness to try this thing bc I had nothing to lose that was worth fighting to keep.


My Worst Betrayal is why I am alone now…wp_story1618244613330_0

My best friend would have been my boyfriend but he was mostly gay and had complicated feelings for me, as a woman. Our relationship was a series of extremes but I loved him and lived for the day he wouldn’t punish me with the silent treatment after an especially great time (that was his pattern.) He was from Massachusetts and a huge Patriots fan. He came over the Saturday night after the Patriots made the Superbowl. I was thrilled to wake up and find his phone was beside me in bed. That meant he was still there. I had had my doubts bc he was coming off of a bout of the silent treatment towards me during the week. I felt purely happy when I got out of bed to join him in the kitchen. It was in the kitchen that I found his dead body. The autopsy took 4 months to deliver final results bc toxicology and other tests take place thousands of miles away. During the waiting period the people who comforted me were telling others I had killed him. They spoke of our volatile relationship, going so far as to contact police and medical examiner. Why? Bc they had sold him drugs and if those drugs had killed him they could’ve gotten in trouble. The results of the autopsy was death by accident due to mixed drug intoxication. No large amount of something like an overdose but with 7 drugs in his system, no way to know which drug or what combo had been fatal. Also, the artery that is most important for supplying the heart was 75 percent blocked. I did not kill him, no one did, but my “friends* set me up in case a scapegoat was needed. I have been alone since 2017. My friend never got to see the Patriots win that Superbowl.

I never held their whiteness against them

But I also found out that my race was always on their minds and always had been. Of course when you first meet someone you notice their looks but when you get to know them you think of them by name. Not–the tall guy, for example. When it came to me, the person who had introduced me to my best friend referred to me as “that black girl.” She had known me for ten years. When my friend died she became concerned that his family would review his finances and find checks written out to her in handwriting that was not his, and the checks were signed in this unknown person’s handwriting. For her purpose of distracting the family from her fraud she told them the black hooker killed him and had robbed him too. At that time she was out on bail awaiting sentencing for the robbery charge she picked up when she bit the security guard at Macy’s in Windward Mall. She was looking at 10 years. And if the sentencing judge had heard she picked up a new financial fraud felony…a happy ending for her would be unlikely.

Last of all, I felt betrayed by the administration. God let me feel love and snatched it away. So I really know what I am missing.

It is hard to pray with the belief that Someone with my best interests at heart is hearing and rearranging things to benefit me. You can understand my scepticism can’t you?

Categories Grief and Loss hope

How we use search engines to deal with death and loss—Link to unique observation

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Prostitution’s stigma hurts, and I’m not 100% positivity, but I live to blog again. Can you relate?

When I think about yesterday’s blog about how lonely it can be in sobriety, I had to consider that no one has really paid a lot of attention to the loss involved in getting clean. There’s loss involved in making any change. It is stressful when things work out right. We think we have no right to “complain” about how difficult it can be to succeed and get off the streets or reach some other longed for milestone. But we are not complaining as much as we are expressing the truth. Yes our old life was fraught with difficulties to say the least. But there are things we miss, and we feel ashamed to miss them because we are told they were bad. For example, I miss the way cars would pull over for me and give me that fleeting feeling of being chosen in a life full of rejection. There’s nowhere I can say that given the stigma surrounding being a sex worker. But also, there’s so much emphasis on being relentlessly positive I feel there’s no room to be honest. I am not talking about dwelling on self pity but just talking about the feeling of an experience, knowing it will change but it is my reality now., this moment. So for all of you who have moments of pain, loss, sadness, a lot of bloggers won’t say this: me too! Lol!

Truth is a form of positivity, even when the truth is sadness. It’s how we relate.

Caroleena, the expertescort

Suffering through a sudden death, like Kobe Bryant’s? I have a wee bit of comfort for mourners based on my experience.

I used to believe I was a teensy bit psychic. I thought God gave me ideas by putting information in my head. Now I don’t think God is speaking with me as much as I believe my subconscious clarifies issues for my waking mind. I used to think God, or Whoever, would give me a helpfully prepatory hint before tragedy strikes. Then my friend died. He was the man I loved most, who sometimes loved me and who was good to me one third of the time. I found his lifeless body in my kitchen when I woke three years ago. I was accustomed to my friend being in another room with his porn, so I thought nothing of it when he wasn’t in bed beside me. In the twenty seconds it took to find him, I had no clue a corpse awaited. None. I am so glad. Because I was purely happy for the last time during those seconds. I knew he was there with me and things were good between us the night before.

I enjoyed the simple wisdom of a child who firmly grasps what’s most important. Like the song says, I was happy and I knew it. I felt like clapping my hands. A psychic gift for sending impending doom would have ruined my final wonderful moment, and foresight would not have delivered useful preparation.

Caroleena, explaining why ignorance can be bliss one to appreciate.

For anyone who feels shock over a sudden death, Kobe Bryant’s death or anyone’s, be grateful for the shock. You were spared the detestable ruinous knowledge that the inevitable will soon be present. You were given extra time for happiness. Similarly, be grateful for the first three seconds when you first wake and you don’t yet remember the horror of the present. It’s not much, I know. Sometimes the glass isn’t half empty but almost entirely dry and you have to make due with a sip. Take what you can get.

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Letting Go, My Response To Another Blog is so Good I Want You to See it

Ending A Friendship I Wanted

Yesterday was my birthday. I know a former friend remembered because she is all about Western and Eastern Astrology, which requires a knowledge of birthdays. I was hoping to hear from her. I attempted to manifest her phone call to me by speaking aloud–into the universe, is what the New Age-y types say. Nothing. Were my vibes wrong so I didn’t get what I wanted due to “vibrational” error (whatever that is according to Law of Attraction proponents), or do I need to let the relationship go because I am better off without her? Why am I asking questions I have the answer to–because I never thought about a relationship this way: At her core, she takes pleasure in the downfall of other people, unless she can take public credit for their success. Otherwise she will root for their failure and take every sneaky opportunity to sabotage them–or him, or her. Or me. I miss her company, the conversations that never stopped, the easy way I can be my hyperactive self without anyone telling me to be quiet or stop thinking so much. But in her heart, she wishes me ill. And she acts on those feelings. I am not safe with her in my life. So–what else can I do but learn–but what lessons? My new friend articulated one of the situation’s embedded lessons, “if the core of the person is bad, let go of old loyalties for so-called “favors” she did for her own selfish motives, and cut that cord.” More lessons: just because a loss hurts doesn’t mean you need to hold on. Not every necessary action feels pleasant. Not every correction decision is comfortable. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL GOOD EVERY MOMENT AND YOU CAN STILL ACT IN MOMENTS OF PAIN.

Just because some task scares you does not mean you can’t do it.

Caroleena, The Expert Escort

What do you think of this hibiscus flower as part of my logo or site? Does it bring out the Hawaii setting a bit more?