Don’t Text Me!
That’s what he said to the working girl. She was offended. She never texted him. She answered his texts but she never initiated first contact. She had her pride. Yes, when the business of prostitution moved online, there was a new way to get in touch with potential clients that never existed before. Before widespread use of the internet a woman worked the street and she had to wait for a guy to stop his car and gesture with the tilt of his head for her to get in. Or, she worked for an escort service that would be listed in the Yellow Pages under “Escort.” Guys called the service and the manager passed his number on to the provider. She called him immediately because she understood that he was waiting for her call right then. In short, he had to express his interest in her in a clear and immediate way. There was no way to reach out to him. What would she do if she had his number anyway? Call him at home?
But then along came cell phones that were not shared by the entire family. Every guy she had ever checked with used his phone for some form of sex. They watched porn. They looked at nude still pictures. They joined sites as members who were entitled to communicate with other members. These sites could be dating apps. The provider did not bother with dating apps because while the guys on those sites were looking for sex, they were looking for free sex. It amazed her that guys could get women to have sex with them for free, and by free she meant these guys offered these women who were total strangers absolutely nothing–no conversation, no fun date, no dinner, no movies, no flower, no promise to call the next day. Hey, not all sex took money, but sex was never free, certainly it cost something. Right? Guess not. Apparently there were women looking for men they did not know to have sex with them without any hope of a relationship and without asking for money. Now that was bizarre, as far as this provider was concerned. No one did anything for free so these women must be getting something our of these no strings attached encounters and since she did not know any of these women it was impossible to find out what they were getting out of sex with strangers. So, dating apps were out because those guys got really mad when they were asked about money. She had found that out after trying four different unconsummated hook ups. Yes, really mad. After the fourth guy had threatened her with, in local Hawaii vernacular “a pounding” for wasting his time and making him drive in Friday evening traffic for nothing, she decided to look for men elsewhere.
Dating Apps and Provider Sites Are Different
No, this provider discovered a new way to meet men who understood that nothing was free, no matter what the hippies had said so long ago about “free love.” There was a site called usasexguide.nl. If guys joined they could post comments about providers, and participate in often heated discussions from other guys with similar interests. The site called them “mongers” or “hobbyists.” There were different threads for prominent cities around the country, and each city was subdivided by region and further subdivided by topic. In Honolulu some of the many topics included “Asian Providers age 40+” or “Streetwalker Reports” or “Escort Reviews.” Reading the words of men who considered themselves alone without any women around, even if that was not true, was fascinating. Of course it was possible to advertise, and she did that, but she had thought there was another creative way to get in touch with new hobbyists. When the provider was on the usa site and she read something from a guy that interested her, or if she read something that made her think the guy using this screen name might like her, she would send that screen name a private message. She knew it was possible that she already knew the guy and simply did not know it was a known associate under that screen name. Other than that minor risk, the provider congratulated herself on her initiative and creativity in coming up with a new way to meet guys. She was wrong. She got in touch with people alright, but in doing so she actually made sure these were guys she was most definitely not going to meet. As she continued to read through the site, this time keeping an eye our for comments about how her reaching out had gone over, she was dismayed to discover that guys thought her unsolicited contact was desperate and bizarre. They did not welcome a woman coming out of nowhere. They actually blocked her so she could not send messages. Other guys on the site she had not contacted agreed through their comments that this weird woman was best left alone. Wow, that was a bit of a blow to the pride! Every time the provider had taken an independent step by attempting to interact with people by not following what everyone else was doing, things always ended this way. Sure, she was a provider, but she had very little relationship experience because she did not know how to attract of maintain anyone’s interest in her as a person. Temporary interest in her body, now that, she could manage.
This long story about why the provider was quite sure she had not and would not ever text this long term regular is an explanation about why the provider felt offended when her regular told her not to text. Had she ever text him? No! She had learned her lesson and the last thing she wanted to do was lose a steady regular by appearing to be unbalanced or unreasonably demanding. The guy went on the tell her there was no problem and he wanted to be sure to keep it that way.
Not Because of the Wife
“I am not worried about my wife seeing the texts. My wife is from Japan. I guess in Japan once the wife has a child, everything becomes about the child and she is not really interested in sex with the husband anymore. That is how it is with my wife, anyway. She would never check my phone. But my daughter is American and she goes through my phone all the time,” said the client, feeling the need to explain himself. Of course he might have felt the need to explain himself when the provider got mad at him.
“Not only does she pick up my phone and read my messages whenever she wants, she reads them out loud. If she doesn’t know someone she asks me about that person. She would notice if she saw a number she didn’t recognize. She is so smart that even if I saved your number under a familiar name she might notice that the texts from you are different than what she is used to seeing. I don’t want her thinking anything.”
“How old is your daughter?” the provider asked.
“She is 9,” said the client, as if that explained everything.
He lets a 9 year old dictate terms to him? Seemed strange to her, but she knew she was no expert in relationships of any sort. Nine years old…old enough to read well and navigate the technology and still young enough to be interested in what dad is doing and not yet in the grip of the normal adolescent stage of development that demands the separation of teens from their parents in order for them to become independent people. In a few years the daughter will probably be far more interested in the messages on her phone, and she will probably take after her daddy and conceal her activities. But for now, yes, a 9 year old could be problematic for a guy who wants to sneak around with new people while not appearing to change anything about his actions and communications. Although the provider did puzzle over how a grown man would not establish a boundary with his daughter, if only for the sake of demonstrating that this is private space and communication, even if nothing sneaky is going on.
Well, the provider mused, a man like this might have issues with boundaries. He might be otherwise mentally preoccupied. After all he is sneaking around to do something that his wife might very well want him to do if only to take the pressure off of her. The wife might know already and feel happily relieved of her obligations. Not that she could say that. She probably has to put up the appearance of someone who would do what her husband wants if only he asked, but since he didn’t ask, there was no need for her to do anything sexually speaking, and no need to feel bad about it.
Prostitution Minimizes Unspoken Rules
The provider sighed to herself. One of the advantages about trading sex for money was that there were no games. No unspoken expectations, no hidden hints and complicated nuances like there were in ordinary human interactions. This provider found ordinary human interactions bewildering because she never read the subtext correctly. No, she never knew there was a subtext until people got mad at her. She only found out there was an unspoken rule she had violated if she was lucky enough to be able to explain the situation to someone who understood that when it came to human interactions she did not know what to do other than to make plain rules for herself to follow after learning lessons the hard way–like how she had learned not to reach out to people on a personal level if you hoped they’d find you attractive enough to solicit for sex.
When she thought about it, she was just like her client. Texting had to be done a certain way. And just like the client, the restrictions had nothing to do with the fact that he had a wife, and everything to do with the reality that the only quasi-social relationships the provider was able to maintain were with people who could not let anyone know they spoke to her.